Invisible Me

Lately I’ve been walking along a path that feels uncertain. On one side there are many people and on the other side is a cliff and it looks like it could be a painful experience if I missed just one step and fell. Yet all of the people on the other side are laughing and living but they don’t see me. They’re right there, just an arms length away. As I walk my path I might be noticed and summoned to help one of them, which of course I will but when the need or task is accomplished I am returned to my path. I walk alone and find things to marvel at. Maybe some brightly colored songbirds, or some Monarch eggs on the underside of a Milkweed that I will take and raise to become a beautiful butterfly. I notice things most of those on the people side take for granted. I hear them chuckle at my excitement for simple things.

As I stroll along my path alone daily I go to work and for the most part really enjoy putting my various skills into practice. I work with great people and enjoy the social aspect. When my shift is over I return to the place I call home. It really isn’t my home it’s just a place where I rent a room from a dear friend. Two days a week I visit my mother who’s in Hospice. She is dying a slow death from being old and suffering the remnants of brain injury due to a stroke. My mother lost her eyesight a couple years ago and her hearing has diminished greatly. The only joy she has in life is when I visit. She has made peace with death and is ready to finish her journey here on earth.

A long time ago I lost my house in foreclosure. The devastation of that loss still haunts me. It was a beautiful old place built in 1900. It is filled with oak trim, oak flooring, stained glass windows and it had a phenomenal front porch. My back yard was huge for a city lot and my dogs at the time loved the freedom to run and play. My fall from that cliff was in fact extremely painful and I have never recovered.

Here’s the thing about being invisible; you know you have to continue to move forward, put the past behind you but you are terrified to fall again. People don’t see you as ever being able to recover your place. So they just don’t look at you. No one seeks you out. You are forced daily to “show up” and join yet at the end of the day in essence you are walking a path you didn’t choose. And no one is walking with you. That is my life, the invisible me.

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