Heading into the second month of the major change in my living situation, I am seeing greater moments of positive – the proverbial “silver lining” has started to come through. A slow process to be sure but I keep my eyes open for that glint of sparkle. Finding the good things about the change was quite difficult in the beginning – that’s normal I suppose. Especially because this move was not my choice – it was at someone else’s hand. Regardless of how I got here, my days are starting to feel routine. Priorities flipped and switched and reset. I have let go of more emotional baggage and closed a few doors, which in turn has created room for better things to come into my heart and my head. There was a bloodletting of sorts. It was not without pain and effort mind you, but it was healing and therapeutic in many ways.
Only when I rid myself of the weight of those burdens did I find the peace and space that allowed me to see a small sampling of what good is to come my way. A sparkle, a light and airy feeling in my chest. Doors appear that I had not seen before. I am moments from turning their knobs and pushing them open. I can see the little streams of light glowing from the small slits around the door. They shine like embers and sparkle with promise.
One year ago my whole life revolved around my visit to Italy. Scrimping and saving to buy my airline tickets and have money to spend while I was there. One year ago I was filled with excitement and anxiety, fear and exhilaration. I was planning and making lists, worrying about being a burden, not understanding the language, what the weather would be like and how much weight I’d put on since having to take large doses of Prednisone for my RA. Yeah, I put on almost 25 pounds. It was upsetting but I couldn’t do a thing about that. One year ago I was preparing for what I thought was to be an exciting trip. I told myself it was MY TURN and I deserved it. As it turned out it was a truly life altering experience. More than I had even begun to imagine was possible.
Now, one year later, look where I ended up! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again;
I would take that amazing journey of love, family and Italy even if I knew what “they” would punish me with! I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
I will get to take that journey to Italy again. This time without punishment, without my life being held in their balance. I will buckle to no one. I will answer to only myself. This next visit to be with my family in Italy will also be an investigation and research quest. What I can do for work to support myself there, how to become a citizen, where I can afford to live and IF I think I am capable of taking the Expat route for the rest of my life. Or do I want to go for dual citizenship?
I see a future. I see a light – and it sparkles.